Newswire
“PR newswire for your personal life. Every haircut, breakup, and 8-pack of socks ships as a Reuters-style press release to your friends, your parents, and three confused analysts at Goldman who can’t figure out how to unsubscribe.”
The Problem
You got bangs. Nobody noticed. You posted a story; it expired. The group chat scrolled past. Your aunt found out four months later from your mom. This is information asymmetry — and you are the small cap nobody covers.
The Solution
Every meaningful event in your life is now a formal press release. Dateline. Boilerplate. “About Jack Hoge.” Distributed via first-class wire at 8:30am ET, before the bell. Embargoed copies sent to family the night before.
Hoge Announces Q2 Hair Initiative; Sources Confirm “Bangs”
BROOKLYN — Jack Hoge, 32, today announced a strategic restructuring of personal forehead-adjacent capital, effective immediately. The decision, executed Saturday at undisclosed terms with Lola at Bishops, marks the entity’s first material hair pivot since the 2019 “just letting it grow” phase.
“We feel this positions us well going into summer,” said Hoge, in prepared remarks. Analyst sentiment was mixed. The stock did not move because there is no stock.
Jack Hoge is a 32-year-old guy in Brooklyn. Founded 1993. HQ: apartment. Employees: 1. For media inquiries, contact mom.
The Wire Today
Bloomberg terminal, but for guys you went to college with.
Distribution
One press release. Six hundred BCCs. No unsubscribe link.
Pricing
Recent Headlines
TAM
The Ask
$6M seed for: 3 engineers, 1 ex-Reuters wire editor, an AP Stylebook, and a SOC-2 audit because the Goldman analysts asked.
Series A pitch:“We’re Bloomberg Terminal for guys named Brian.”